The alarm clock rings. It’s 4am and it’s still so dark outside, LIKE MY SOUL. Haha, just kidding. It’s too early in the morning to be edgy, I don’t have the energy for that. Alright, time to get up and go to work. Gotta head to the bakery and help prep the place. I don’t do a whole lot of baking myself, but there’s plenty to do. Time to get up from my bed and go. Aaaaand go. Aaaaaand now. Sigh. I thought maybe cracking a few jokes would help motivate me to get up. Body, are you sure you don’t want to at least get up to turn off the alarm clock so that I stop pissing off my roommate? Please? She’s so patient with me, I’d really appreciate it if you would just do this for me. No? Oh my god. Oh my fucking god, fuck off. And yet you continue to make me stay alive. Your sense of humor sucks. It’s pretentious and esoteric and I don’t appreciate it.

Alright. I’ve got one thing I can try. You know what gets some good involuntary muscle contractions? Crying. Aaaaaand hup! I make some audible whimpers and trick my body into thinking I’m gonna go full on breakdown, which allows me to just fall over my bed, tap the alarm clock off, and collapse on the floor. And I only cried on the floor for a few minutes! Hell yeah, I made it past step 1. Now, I just need to get my clothes, put them on, brush my teeth, put together breakfast, eat breakfast, and...sigh. Work seems so far away.